Finding the Space for Soft

Don’t get me wrong, and don’t mishear what I’m about to say.

I adore stabby, strong, feisty heroines with all my heart.

Poppy taught me that fierce can survive every intention to keep it covered, literally and figuratively. Feyre showed me how strength can withstand starvation, both in body and spirit. Eowyn inspired me with her bold “I am no man” as she defeats a Nazgul.

Do you have a female character that showed you that independence and strength is for us, too?

Violet? Callie? Saeris? Bryce?

Womanhood is not defined by femininity.

We can be proud, fierce, strong, and brave. We can wield a sword, slay the villain, outsmart the male main character, and take the crown.

I see women celebrating the ‘Disney princess downfall’ when they read these novels. I’m glad they are finding representation and freedom in ways that honor their personhood and unique womanhood.

But what about those of us that never wanted to a sword or shield?

Is there a quiet ferocity and strength in the softer side of womanhood?

Can femininity be its own honorable trait?

Not the toxic kind that comes from trying to please a man with a stereotypical or false submission. Not with a vapid, airheaded, doe-eyed response that makes a man feel better about himself. Not with a reduction of our intelligence or capability.

But what if, at my very core, I am gentle, compassionate, and kind?

I’ve struggled for a long time with this part of my personality. One, because I have been criticized for being too sensitive, and I came to see it as weakness. Something to be ashamed of. Two, because when I did stand up for myself, I got called names. I got made fun of for being a know-it-all.

I got pinched and shaken.

And when Ren’wyn appeared for the first time in my mind, silent and subdued, trembling slightly from anxiety, and yet still weaving death itself in her hands?

I knew she had been there, too.

Shaken, dragged, pinched, belittled, ignored, yelled at, criticized.

She was never enough for anyone.

When she escapes those bonds and finds freedom to be herself, she doesn’t reach for a sword. She doesn’t train to fight or develop biting wit to defend herself.

Even free and loved, she’s quiet and reserved. She carries herself with dignity and intelligence. She’s careful with the way she releases her magic because she values life.

She gives gifts to the earth when she harvests plants, knowing life matters in all its forms.

Is there a place for radical kindness? For soft femininity that we don’t revile? For a woman who sometimes does need a stronger, harder person to save her, but who then offers her kindness, intelligence, and loyalty to help them in return?

Ren’wyn is no stabby wildcat (again, love those characters). She’s bruised and healing. She’s making peace with a softer body and less strength. She fights constant fatigue and trembling anxiety.

But she’s strong, and she has taught me I am, too.

She finds the ability to stand back up in the face of her fears, after bouts of depression, and even when she’s in danger. Even if she might panic or weep, she gathers herself back together and tries again.

We don’t have to be emotionless to be strong. We can be bruised, grieving, angry, and healing all at once.

We can touch the petals of flowers with tender fingers, marvel at the wide-open sky, hold a crying child with softness, share incredible knowledge with kindness, and that can be strength as much as stabbing Casteel in the heart in order to escape (sorry, but you kind of deserved it, buddy).

If you find yourself loving black cat women that fight for themselves but wondering if your own personality is too quiet, too reserved, too submissive to be considered strong, you are not alone.

I’m there with you.

I’ll never shoot a wolf with a bow and get dragged into Faerie.

I’ll never stab a Nazgul and help win the battle.

But I still might hold life and death in my hands and see it for the treasure it is.

I still might burn the world when I fight injustice.

I still might use my intelligence to keep others from acts of ignorance.

And some days, I look in the mirror and say:

She is strong. She is enough.

May you also find your inner strength as beautiful and unique as you are yourself, reader friends, and may you know you are always, always, enough,

just as you are.